Previously on Without Villains…
October Sky discovers a pattern in the files she’s processing in the clerk’s office. She takes them to Victoria Armstrong, hoping her office can help, and is given a job instead.
Meanwhile, Victoria is trying to decide if this young woman has what she needs to help the city. When she pulls out a tarot card to answer a question, Victoria knows this woman might be just the right kind of answer she’s been looking for.
3
I had nothing to wear. I mean, really. I had nothing to wear. Working down in the hole was one thing. There were tiled walls and fluorescent lights. Probably the LEDs that looked like fluorescents, but who cared? They were sterile. I had a cubicle. I was a cubicle person. A pod person. I was—
Okay. No. I was not a pod person. Wasn’t that an alien? I don’t know. I never watched that movie. I may have been in the living room while it was playing, but I did not watch it.
My black pants had a dirty water mark on it because some dingle-dumby had splashed me with his car. And smiled. Jerk. And I smelled like fish and onions. Was it because I had eaten fish and onions. Who could afford fish? And the only onions in my apartment were the dried kind which… didn’t stink. Well, they did. Kind of. Okay, they smelled bad when you burned them in butter.
That didn’t matter. What mattered was that I somehow smelled like something I hadn’t even eaten.
My deck pulled at me as I carried my small box of belongings up the elevator. I was alone, so I reached in and took the card that felt the brightest, which I know is weird. Did I see it? No. My fingers did and they don’t have eyes. I get that. But my gift is… sometimes, it’s just weird.
First Breath.
I took in a four-count breath and stashed it as I took in the meaning of the card. I got it a lot, so I didn’t need to look into the masked eyes of the ethereal woman holding three worlds. I just had to take in a deep breath and then another because there was nothing else I needed to do in this moment but breathe.
By the time the doors opened, I was calm again. I didn’t even really understand why I was freaking out like this. Mitchel and Yolanda hadn’t even said a word to me. There was nothing rude said. Like, everything was fine. It was all good.
It was the fact that I was afraid of failing. I’d come up to this seriously fancy floor. I tried super hard to ignore the wood paneled walls as I walked past the first receptionist, who didn’t even look at me, and headed to the second one by Victoria’s office. I’d all but asked for this job.
I hadn’t.
And I didn’t know if I was enough to help. If I was enough to be… enough. OMG. How many times could I repeat that word?
My cards tugged at me again, but with a familiar pull. I didn’t need to see the card to hear what it was saying.
Breathe.
So, I did.
The woman with the glasses stood as I approached and eyed me with a slight sneer.
Okay, well that was a reaction I was used to. Thank you, family, for preparing me for life. I smiled at her and offered my hand, holding my small box of office supplies in the other. “I’m Sky Blaze.”
“I know.” She shook my hand. “I’m Eleanor Parks, Victoria’s assistant.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. “I should probably meet—”
“You are not going to see Victoria until you have something worth sharing. You will give that information to me. I will share that with her. Do you understand?”
I nodded and wondered how in the world I was going to get this woman on my side because that’s where I needed her.
My card tapped at my consciousness.
But Eleanor was looking at me, so I couldn’t just reach in and grab a card. I’d done that with Victoria yesterday and that really could have been bad. It hadn’t been, and that was good, but that was luck. So, I waited for Eleanor to look down at her desk and mess with paperwork before reaching into my purse and drawing a card.
Gathering Around.
What? Confused, I stashed the card, not sure what it was telling me. I wanted to know how to win this woman over and my deck was telling me I wasn’t alone? Obviously. I was standing in front of a woman I needed to—
Okay. So, she was trying to help me.
I took in a deep breath and continued to listen to my card.
This woman, Eleanor Parks, was trying to assist me and I had to accept that now was the time to allow that.
Okay. Well, letting my guard down wasn’t a strong suit of mine. It required trust, but… I would try. “I’m really nervous.”
“Don’t be. You’re just a clerk.” Eleanor grabbed a maroon folder and gestured for me to follow her down a pathway of open desks.
“Just a clerk on a floor where people dress nice.” And Eleanor was dressed very nice. Her pencil skirt went below her knees and she wore nylons. I’d never talked to anyone who actually wore those. Her heels were neat and functional and her pale blouse had a bow on top. Granted it was a long bow. Ties? Maybe they were ties that she’d… tied. OMG. Why couldn’t I think?
Breathe.
Okay. I was breathing. “Well, I mean, I’m not sure what I can do or how I can help.”
Eleanor stopped at a desk and gestured for me to set down my box.
So, I did. “I really don’t want to disappoint her.”
She nodded and looked down at my pants, noting my helmet. “You ride your bike?”
“It’s the cheapest form of transportation in the city and it’s fast.”
Eleanor’s expression softened slightly. “If you really care about helping and not just trying to get ahead—”
I shook my head and held up my hands. I was not the type of person who cared about getting ahead. Getting air conditioning? Yes. Ahead at the cost of others? No.
She nodded, accepting my non-verbal. “—then dig into those water reports and see what more you can find.”
“All the cases were dismissed.”
She tipped her head to the side. “Because there was nothing there or because something else was?”
“Something else?”
Eleanor sighed. “Money or threats.”
“Oh.” Oh my gosh. Was I actually looking into—Oh my gosh. Holy jeez. “Okay. Yeah.”
“Remember, anything you find, you bring it to me.”
I saluted. “Yes, ma’am.”
A slight smile struck her expression as she shook her head and turned back to her desk.
As the morning continued, more people filled this room and by mid-morning came around, almost all the desks were full and no one talked to me.
Which I was good about. I mean, a little hurt. Maybe. I did have feelings, but I also appreciated being alone. I just plugged in my earbuds, turned on some lo-fi music and went to work.
The information in the files wasn’t enough. That was the real issue. It almost looked—felt. It almost felt like there had been more information but it was hiding. And I didn’t know how to get to it. So, I took the files and the information I’d printed off and the list of questions I had which was almost more than the information. It wasn’t. It just felt that way, and I went to Eleanor.
Who was busy as all get out. So, I waited for her to pleasantly talk to everyone until she got to me. She flashed me a tight smile and offered her hand for the files I hugged.
I shook my head. “I have nothing but questions.”
She frowned but shrugged. “I’m not surprised. How are you going to answer the questions.”
“Well, we need someone to ask them.”
“Of who?”
“I don’t know.” I knew exactly who to ask what questions of, but I glanced down at my folder anyway even though there were no notes on it. “I want to speak to the parents of the wrongful death.”
“Why?”
“I feel like there’s information that’s being hidden.”
“And you think they’ll know?”
“Maybe.” I didn’t know why I thought that, but my cards had agreed with me. “Maybe you could send a detective or—”
“We don’t have detectives.” Eleanor gave me a frank look. “We have clerks.”
“I’m a clerk.” I realized what that implied as the words fell out of my dumb mouth. “You want me to go talk to them?”
Eleanor raised her eyebrows, her hands busy with paper on her desk. “You want to tell me why you can’t?”
So many reasons. Like, I didn’t talk to strangers. If I didn’t have to. I didn’t like talking to people. Strange people.
Breathe.
“Look at me,” I said. “Who is going to talk to me?”
Eleanor set down the paper in her hand and met my gaze, the shield of professionalism gone for the moment. “You know what I see?”
“A mess?”
She gave me one nod, quirked her lips, and tipped her head to the side before straightening all of that. “A woman who cares. That is going to open doors to information these reports need. And if we’re going to help, we need someone who isn’t afraid to care.”
“Afraid to care?”
“Sky,” she said quietly, leaning in. “They’re hiding. Why? They have a reason or reasons. And everyone is so afraid to care because they’re trying to survive.”
That wasn’t true.
She raised her eyebrows and returned to her work. “Take the car and gather your addresses.” She gave me a yellow sticky note with a name and a number on it. “Go.”
Holding the note and hugging my folder, I didn’t quite know what to do.
This was real. I was really helping. I was going to be a real person talking to people who needed me and…
I was going to help make a difference.
Straightening my shoulders, I went back to my desk to call the number. I was going to help people and that felt great.
And… terrifying.
* * *
The door hisses open and the stink of mildew sucker-punches me in the face. Wet. Dead air. Rot. And the colors dampen with the smell, losing life. The overhead lights flicker and buzz like zombies chained to the ceiling, fighting to be released. Though the cracked floor looks hungry enough to eat them if they fell.
How bad did I want those chips?
Well, my life is a complete wreck, so, yeah. I need chips like vampires need blood and the moon needs the night.
I plow through the thick blanket of death, brushing past the shriveled oranges staged neatly by the door as if tempting people with life. No one was being tricked by that. This grocery store might sell a lot of things, but life wasn’t one of them.
I have no idea where to go for the chips. Reading the signs, I head to the left. Cake mixes call to me. Not that I particularly want to bake when I get back to that apartment I’d been lucky enough to score, but cake does sound good.
However, the sign leads to cereal and not cake mixes.
I’m not here for Kix.
Though, some Strawberry Cheerios might not be terrible.
But then I have to get milk, and I don’t want to buy milk. I don’t know where I’m headed after this. Buying milk means I gotta go back to my apartment right after this and the only thing waiting for me there are reruns and reruns are boring and stupid. So… that’s a no.
Angry and still fighting the odor of decay, I stomp through the store at a stealthy pace, the orange flowers trailing from the ceiling fluttering with my passing. I laugh. I may not know where I’m going, but there’s no sense in being late.
Finally, I find the fucking aisle with the damned chips.
They all just stare at me. Potato chips and corn chips. Round chips and triangle chips. There are even some scoops. I have no idea what I’m even looking for. I could go with my norm. Lays. They’re easy. Taste good. Never let me down.
But isn’t that what led me here? Walking down paths that never let me down? Doing things I’d always done before?
I have no idea what I’m doing tomorrow. As someone who had their everyday planned for her, I hate this. It feels like the world is shaking around me and I have no control over it.
The lights buzz louder as the shadows encroach, threatening to smother me.
A woman in blue pants moves through sludge, her cart grinding forward grain by grain.
Fear spikes hot in my chest. No. Not again. Not here. Not with my discharge fresh in my mouth. Not with Nora—
A man’s voice stretches, elastic, warping around me as he pulls his son back by the shoulder.
I slap my palms over my ears.
Doesn’t help. The sound is inside me, dragging, pulling, unmaking seconds.
The lights flicker, dim. Darkness swells, thick as oil, pouring in from the corners, swallowing every scrap of color.
Why now? Why again? My chest cracks open and all of it comes rushing in at once: Rearson’s rejection, Nora’s imposing death, this filthy store with its rotting fruit and hungry floor, the endless gray of tomorrow pressing down, second after second after second.
The world is happening all at once. And I can’t stop it.
A buzz electrifies my thigh.
The pitch of the lights rise back to the ceiling. The inky shadows retreat.
The father’s voice speeds up. “—do that so hard.”
The woman with the bright blue pants smiles. “Excuse me,” she says as she moves by.
This can’t be happening again. Being in the Air Force, I’d forgotten how this felt. It’d been a long time since time slipped from me.
My phone pulses again, so I fish it out and look at the caller ID. It’s not someone I recognize, but it’s local, at least. Could be the Veteran’s Association calling me back. Everyone says it takes forever to get through, but I’m not everyone else.
Swiping the green button, I put the phone on speaker. “Hello, this is First Ser—” I chew on my anger and redirect. “Dannika.”
“This is Victoria Armstrong,” the woman on the other end answers. “I work in the mayor’s office.”
Ah, so something good was coming. Good.
“I received your information from a colleague of mine. You have a skill set I need.”
Of course I do. I sidestep a man in full black riding leathers, watching him pass with appreciation, wanting to see him straddle his bike as a thrill of excitement and pleasure shoots through me like fireflies of light. “What kind of mission are you talking about?”
“One that shouldn’t be shared over the phone. I’m texting you a location. Can you meet me there in, say, an hour?”
I choke back the giggle bubbling up, not wanting to appear too eager, though it’s hard. A mission is exactly what I need. “Sure.”
“Excellent. I’ll see you in an hour.”
Grinning, I look at the address that pings in, knowing it’s general location. I should be able to get there in less than half an hour, but another stop is along the way, and it’s one I’d been avoiding.
Nora.
But if I was about to get good news—someone needing me—then I could afford some bad energy, and Nora has that in spades right now.
I pull my keys out of my pocket and slip into the green Jeep I’ve had since I was a teen, the same one my uncle gave me, which was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Driving through the thick traffic, time ticks by, but not fast enough. I want it to speed up and slide into the past faster. I dare traffic to slow so I don’t have time to see Nora.
But I don’t know when Nora will be able to see me again. She’s dying and my time is valuable. I can’t just see her any day I want. Too much darkness, and it’s hard to pull out of that.
Besides, I could be helping this Victoria woman save the world.
That’s exactly the kind of story Nora needs to hear right now.
The hospital looms over me before I even realize I’m getting close. I somehow made it out of the car, through reception, down the hall, and to Door 308 without even realizing it, without knowing what I was doing.
I didn’t really need to be here. Nora would die whether or not I showed up.
But my Nora reminded me often that the future wasn’t the past, that the past wasn’t the future, and that the now wasn’t the only thing that mattered. My Nora needed light so she could make it to the end.
I could offer her that.
Closing my eyes with one hand on the door, I wished I could make this moment fly by faster. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to face this. But I knew I had to. I’d hate myself if I didn’t.
Forcing a bright smile on my face, I pop through the door. “Surprise!”
Nora startles on the bed, her thin blue blanket sliding away from her thin and saggy frame. “Dannika.” A tired resignation flickers across her face and is replaced with a smile. “What are you doing here?”
Hurt tramples through my heart at Nora’s response, but I know she’s not mad at me. She’s tired of dying. “Can’t I see my favorite Nora?”
Her expression melts into genuine, if tired, joy as she works to sit up. “Of course. I just didn’t expect to see you. Not with this.” She gestured to the room. “And you just got out, and I know how much that meant to you. I figured there’d be a lot more other things to do. Like… anything.”
No one understands me like Nora. She raised me when she didn’t have to. She was my step-mom, the one who chose me. I wasn’t her chore. I wasn’t responsibility. I was her choice.
I walk to the bed and pull the sturdy wooden chair closer to the bed, the relief of being with Nora almost making the moment worth experiencing. “I have something lined up right now, actually. I’m on my way there.”
“Well,” Nora says, setting her hand on the bed palm up, “that’s great, Dan. I’m so glad.”
I ignore her hand, not wanting to touch death. “You’ll be excited to know I’m saving the world.”
Nora’s eyes lit up as she closed them momentarily. “Speaking in the present tense. That’s good. That’s real good, Dan.”
Nora is the only person in the entire world who knows how to hear when things are bad or when they’re good. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without her.
She looks thin, pale, and almost transparent, as if she’s disappearing from the world, melting away into memories and air before my eyes.
“Do something for me,” she says quietly.
She only says that when it’s something I don’t want to do, but I know better than to say no because it’s always something important.
“Be your own villain for once.”
What? That didn’t even make sense. I’d wanted her to demand I live my life to the fullest. Jump out of a plane. Marry a ton of people and divorce them all, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me as I lived my best life. But to be my own villain? “I don’t understand.”
Nora leans back on her pillow, her eyes shutting. “The war is on us.”
She hadn’t opened her eyes to say that. She looks…defeated. “Nora, I need—”
“You need a villain,” Nora says, opening her tired eyes and barely moving them in my direction. “The only way you grow or change is if you have a villain to rise against. I can’t be that for you anymore. I need to matter in my own life for however long I have now. I need to see value in who I am right now because, Dannika…” Her small tongue darts out to wet her dry lips as she heaves a heavy breath. “I’m fighting my own war here and I’m not winning.”
A heavy weight settles on my chest. Never have I ever seen her admit defeat.
The moment grows longer, slower, more pronounced.
Nora’s pale hair brightens in the sharp light on the pale blue wall above her bed. The beep of her heart pulses slower as if enunciating the determined trudge toward the end.
I take the hand Nora had set on the bed, refusing to slip into the moment, steadfastly refusing to experience this in its fullest because this isn’t the space I want to be in. “You can’t go.”
“I can’t leave you, you mean.”
Exactly. “You—” What words could I offer? I had nothing. I didn’t know how to fight this. This wasn’t something Nora could just will herself through. This was cancer.
Nora squeezes my fingers. “Find a crusade and fight it. It’s out there. Trust me. There’s a war against us. They’re fighting us. There’s a crusade worth fighting for. It just won’t involve the military. You’ll have to create your own rules. Trust me. You’re good at it. Our biggest fights were me guiding you to create rules you could live by that wouldn’t destroy you in the end. You are amazing if you allow yourself to be.”
Deep down, I know that, but I also know I’m not worth the hype. I’d been kicked out of the military when they needed me the most because I’d made a choice my chain of command hadn’t approved. But I also, desperately, don’t want to be in this moment right now. It’s already happened. She’s already dead. I’m already gone.
Why am I still here? I need this moment to go faster.
Nora released a breath and the bed nearly enveloped her as everything speeds up. “You’ll see, my Dan-boo. You’ll see.”
I took the token of love and dismissal, gave Nora a final squeeze, and left the room, certain I would never see my Nora again, but ready to experience again, to feel again, to see and smell and feel… again.
With the wheel of her car in my hands, I released a shaky breath, fighting back tears I hadn’t realized were there.
This sucked. I was done dealing with hard moments. It was time to take control back of my life and live it the way I enjoyed.
In the present. In the moment. Experiencing each morsel as if the future hadn’t happened already and the past was trampling me into solitude.
Punching the address link in my phone and putting the car into gear, I drive off to face a future I can’t see, my heart resolving over the death of my Nora.
The life I was set to live would be filled with enjoyment, no matter the cost.